Sometimes You Need To Hit The Bottom Before You Can Reach For The Top

I decided at the beginning of the year I wanted to start reflecting on things a little more. I wanted to write down 10 good things that have happened to me during the month, but for this month, there is only one. I know this sounds sort of weird, but for a while, I haven't really been feeling myself. I've had a few too many ups and down these past few years, and like many people, you start to think about whether the things that mean the most to you really mean anything at all. The thing I am talking about is my career as a fashion designer. I've wanted to design since I was about 13. I really enjoyed doing textiles in school, and it was something I really excelled at. From that moment on, all I thought about careerwise was being a designer. I passed my GCSEs, A-Levels, Foundation Degree and got an unconditional place to the University I wanted; everything was going exactly the way I wanted.

I don't think I realised something was wrong until I was mid-way in my 2nd year. Everything just went a little downhill from there. No matter what I was doing, I knew I could have done a billion times better. I don't know if it was because I was being so harsh on myself, or because I was losing passion, but nothing felt right. My final year of uni was a bit of a blur. I knew it was my last year and it had to go right. I used to get stressed over the little things. I would find it hard to concentrate and everything just took that much longer. The best year of my life turned out to just be one of the worst. I did pass my course and graduate. I finally had my degree, but all I would do is just constantly think about my final year. This just led to more self-hate. I blamed myself for wasting my chance, for not doing exactly what I knew I could do. I used to just sit there thinking about it for ages. After years and years of working hard, getting to the stage of actually being let out in the world to show them what I could do, I didn't know if it was what I wanted to do anymore. Was I even good enough? Self-doubt and hate can really mess with your mind.

I JUST NEED A LITTLE GUIDANCE

I have a few close friends from my fashion degree who I know I can talk to. They have always been my support unit. Whether they're supportive as that is their duty as a friend, or supportive as they know I have some sort of talent and can make it as a designer, it didn't really matter to me. Speaking to them about what they're currently doing design-wise reminded me of the sort of person I was and the sort of passion I had. I loved being in the studio. Working all day, drawing, designing, making, that was my happy place. It's sort of like falling off the horse and getting back on; I was just too scared to try incase it all went wrong again. I know things aren't always meant to run smoothly, but sometimes you need a reality check to know that sometimes, you need to hit the bottom before you can reach for the top. Finishing uni in June 2013, I don't think my true passion came back until a few weeks ago.

SO WHAT NOW?

I have really got to stop wallowing in the past. I have spent about a year wondering what to do next, how I'm going to get there and not really doing anything practical about it. There's only a certain amount of hoping you can do. The thing is with me, I have always been a bit of an extreme dreamer, which I completely love, but you know you've got to have something to aim for. I always just leapt from where I am now to where I want to be. No in-between, no journey of how to realistically get there. The key word there is realistic. Before writing this post, I have written out a somewhat detailed plan of how to get there. When I say detailed, I don't mean a day-by-day sort of thing, just what I need to get there and different options and ideas of getting there. As organised as I like things to be, now my life is somewhat organised too. Knowing that all I have to do is complete each stage makes me feel really positive. No matter how challenging or difficult it's going to be, I know I'm going to end up on some amazing journeys and can look back in 10, 20, 30 years and think "wow I've managed to go from down here to up here, I'm practically Superwomen."

I've started to design again. Not just design because I felt like I needed to, designing because I've felt inspired to do so. I'm currently working on a few projects, a project from my degree; looking back and knowing exactly how it should have been done. A few other projects on topics which I absolutely love and just can't stop jotting down ideas and quick sketches. I'm starting to sew again too. Just reminding myself of the basics and working back up to the stage I was before. I'm ordering rolls of pattern paper to start making again. This is my favourite part of design so it's nice to have a positive output on it and not dread. I've even got to stage of sending my cv to designers, something I would never have done 2 months ago.

This post is meant to be about the good things that have happened to me and well, the best thing that it could have been is feeling myself again. I've got my 'Aycan spark' back. This sort of topic is something I never thought I'd talk about let alone write about online, but I guess it's a way of helping myself realise the past is in the past and maybe help a few of you out there who may be going through the same sort of thing. If you have passion towards something and it's what you're meant to do, that passion will come back.